There’s an idea surrounding pregnancies that when finding out about being pregnant the only emotions the mother can feel are joy or despair. However, there is a less conversed feeling: ambivalence. Ambivalence is simultaneous and contradictory feelings towards an object, person, or action. Whether you’ve planned your pregnancy down to the minute or are just as shocked as the next person, it is normal to feel anxiety surrounding the change in your life.
Dr. Jamil Norman, PhD, RN, CNE, a maternal health professional, believes “pregnancy is a pendulum.” There is no right or wrong side to your feelings surrounding your own pregnancy. With all of the change happening in your life and in your body, your feelings may vary from a day-to-day basis. It is normal to feel all of it. Dr. Norman gives a few steps on how to come to terms with your varying feelings
surrounding pregnancy.
You have a right to your ambivalence.
Many expecting mothers believe that because they want their baby so badly, they have no reason to feel ambivalent about their pregnancy. Your mind might tell you to pick a side, but your feelings are more complicated than that. Human relationships are never black and white, so do not try to push that binary onto your relationship with your child. It can also be a complex, and sometimes guilt-ridden, feeling to be pregnant and experience anxiety about it—especially if you personally know someone who has struggled to conceive or carry a pregnancy to term. Remember that you do not owe other people your own feelings.
Define your own story.
The first step is knowing that it’s okay to have a pregnancy that does not conform with society’s views of what it should be like. Whatever your friend’s, sister’s, or mother’s pregnancy story was or is, that does not define yours. Of course, every trimester is different. The first trimester is scientifically a surge of hormones, while outwardly some people can’t see the visual difference. The second trimester is usually a good time for some people: The bump is showing and the pregnancy glow is glowing. The third trimester is usually uncomfortable, sleep and rest become rare, and fear for labor ramps up. These are all normal experiences. Feeling fear in any stage of pregnancy is normal. There is now a whole other human to take care of and account for in a way you may have never experienced. While change is the only constant in life, it can still be scary.
Feelings during pregnancy don’t define your future in parenting.
The second step is knowing that just because you don’t love pregnancy or are feeling unsure, that doesn’t mean that you will not be a good parent or love your child. There are plenty of wonderful mothers who did not love pregnancy. My mother, for instance, had a rough pregnancy with my younger sister and wanted nothing more than to be done with it, and in the last 13 years, I have seen her be the best mother I could imagine. Sure, parenting is never perfect, but what truly is? On the other hand, there are plenty of mothers who do not immediately fall in love with their baby. Sometimes the love you have for your baby grows over time. Allow yourself to grow slowly along with your baby.
Pregnancy doesn’t heal all wounds.
The next step is realizing that pregnancy does not heal all wounds. If you are battling with depression or anxiety, that will still be present. So then, of course, the next step is to find help in whatever way possible.
For most people, this doesn’t mean counselling. While therapy is recommended and helpful for most, it is not feasible for some people. Find a friend or family member that you are not afraid of saying the hard truth to. Don’t be afraid to voice what is going through your mind. Keeping it bottled up helps nobody and hurts you. Find someone who can understand your perspective, be a listening ear and—if you want—can give you sound advice.
There is no right or wrong way to experience pregnancy in all stages of it. The only wrong thing to do would be to not let yourself feel your emotions and speak about them freely. Society, as well as healthcare, needs to be more aware of the complexities mothers face before, during, and after pregnancy. That change can start with you as well.